Red Velvet: Baby

My cousin's wife always asks me if I was happy growing up as an only child.  She has a two year old daughter and everyone in the family asks if she's going to have another baby.  At the moment, her answer is no.  That's when her question to me comes in and it's a question I've been asked a few times before.  My answer?  I was perfectly happy.  In fact (and I don't tell this to many people unless they ask), I never wanted any brothers or sisters as a kid.  If my parents had decided to have more children, I know I would've loved them and fought with them and all that fun stuff.  But the truth is, back then I never liked the idea of sharing my parents with another person.  Does that sound silly?  I remember one friend thought it was sweet.  I don't know.  My parents might've driven me totally and completely insane half the time and let's face it, they still do.  But they're my parents, you know? Looking back, I probably would've gotten away with a lot more if I did have a sibling! 

I guess I was lucky because I grew up with cousins.  They were always nearby or sometimes, living with me for years at a time.  I never felt lonely and if anything, I was consntantly looking for a way to find more privacy.  I think if they hadn't been around, I wouldn't have been as happy with my only child status.  But, I think I got sibling-like experiences.  There were fights, laughter, growing up / together / apart and I love them wholeheartedly. We're still really close now. 

It's funny because even though I want my future kids to grow up in that same atmosphere I did.. I want kids. Plural.  At least two, maybe even three.  (Unless of course childbirth traumatizes me for life, then only child it is!) 

Are there any other only children out there who felt the same way growing up?


Favorite moments from Baby: 

Then.. I couldn't find a clip but the part where Joey thinks the best way to get Bessie to Dawson's house is by rowing her little boat and Bessie takes over because she's "rowing like a girl" and may have to start calling her Josephine cracks me up. 

FF: Hurricane (Not the drink)

The blending of two families is never easy. Just look at Cinderella and Snow White… both those stepmothers wanted to off their husband’s kid or reduce them to slavery. I should have taken that to heart when I met my husband’s family. But everyone was always so nice and so welcoming, and I wasn’t even aware of those silly “mother in law” horror stories.

Until we got engaged and I moved out and she and I got into the biggest fight in the universe.

I’m sure the fight was stemming from a million different emotions but I still think she took advantage of my vulnerability – I had just moved out of my childhood house and away from my friends and in with Mr. FF. It was a holiday weekend and she didn’t like how we chose to spend our holidays that year. She felt out of the loop. She felt she needed to be included in the discussion that led to our decision.

Frankly, I haven’t involved my parents in any of my decisions since I was in high school. Unless I needed advice and guidance, that is… so I wasn’t used to someone not trusting my judgment.

Mr. FF and I are good kids who LIKE to hang out with our parents. Ya know? For her to assume otherwise… to call me selfish… was just so out of line. I’m not used to adults not liking me. (That sounds crappy but it’s true.) I tend to do the right thing. I’m a self-admitted goodie two shoes!

This was just the first crack in a relationship that I thought had a strong foundation. I spent many weekends at their home (more than I did with my own parents) and they knew a lot about me (I’m a pretty open and honest person). I felt betrayed and even a few years and a wedding later, the feeling has not entirely vanished.

I’m not saying I wasn’t completely at fault. But I felt a little ambushed, fought back, and couldn’t mend the problem because she was stubborn and hurt and refused to realize that her son and I were adults who had to make difficult decisions ourselves. Not everyone was going to happy all the time. We just had to do what we could.

   
So this was a big storm of crying, questioning, and feeling alone. And became a huge wedge in the beginning of my home life with Mr. FF and completely affected our relationship with each other. It is the only thing we have ever fought about, and not because we were mad at each other but because we had NO idea how to handle the situation.

Since then, dynamics have certainly changed and I’ve become a lot more aware of what I say and what I don’t. I’m more careful and I wish I didn’t have to be. That’s a lot of work all in itself. If anything, my husband and I have learned to care for our little family and to stand up for our priorities. Even if people might get upset. None of it is intentional.

I also know I won’t let anyone bully me into anything just to make them feel better.

Fortunately, Mr. FF and I are solid. It might be cliché but this whole situation challenged us in a way we hadn’t been before, and for that reason and that reason alone, I am thankful it happened. We have proven to ourselves that we are quite the team. And that counts. It counts a lot.

Favorite scene in Dawson's Creek "Hurricane": Oh gee. This was quite the episode. I always felt bad for Mitch. He was so in love with Gail. It seemed like their relationship was great... was it for show? I have no idea. I feel even more worse because of his ice cream buying fate in a later season but that's another story. Small detail about the episode: I do enjoy the Broadway chat between Tamara and Doug.

Red Velvet: Hurricane

Remember the infamous non-boyfriend? He’s pretty much a human hurricane.  Once I realized how toxic he was to my life, I would try to shut him out.  But without fail, he’d come rushing back every few months, wreak absolute havoc on my emotions and slowly fade away.  (And then repeat.)

Like I said - human hurricane.

Looking back, it sort of amazes me how much I put up with.  How much patience I exhibited.  Patience I never knew I had.  But I guess that’s what you do when you care about someone and think they’re right for you (deep down underneath all their crap).  But honestly, I’ve never been happier since I realized things were finally over between us.  I think back then, a part of me liked the volatile aspect.  When things were good, they were really good and we would have so much fun together.  And when they sucked.. well, they really really sucked.  It was a rollercoaster with him which made things interesting to say the least, but it’s gets to a point where enough is enough.  Or maybe I just grew up and wanted more.  Wanted better.

I still think about him though.  Not often.  But sometimes I imagine what it would be like to bump into him years from now.  Whenever I picture this meeting, it’s usually me happy, married and/or engaged, successful and content with my life.  And him completely alone and miserable but still doing great things with his company (c’mon, I’m not that vindictive!).   I guess we’ll see, right?


Best part of the Hurricane episode: 
Well, what’s the best part of most Dawson’s Creek episodes?  Usually any scene involving Pacey (although this does make Doug look a little psycho).  Anyway, I leave you with this..

Funfetti: Discovery

It's only 6 months into this year... a year I thought of as being my "change" year and I realized I'm just not done learning. Or making mistakes. And I still have six months to go. So here's a little bit about discovery.

1. No matter how old you get or how many bills you have to pay, you may still feel 18 years old inside.
2. Sometimes you just have to say "fuck it" and buy the dress you don't need and probably can't afford.
3. People are going to surprise you (in good and bad ways).
4. You're going to surprise yourself (in good and bad ways).
5. Marriage is hard. Like every day. It's hard. And this doesn't necessarily mean fighting.
6. You can never be caught up on washing dishes and doing laundry.


I'm not sure what my 13-year old self would say if I told her I "discovered" just how being almost 30 can feel exactly as exciting, exhilarating, scary, crappy, and lovely all at the same time...

Dawson's Creek 'Discovery' moment: To be honest, this episode really pissed me off. Dawson learns about his life just isn't so perfect and he whines and gets snippy about it. I wish he would have just manned up. Who I really feel bad for is Pacey & Tamara. We all know they are sharing their last kiss and they have no idea how their situation is going to blow up in the next few hours.

Red Velvet: Discovery

I’m totally about to wave my nerd flag here.  But every time I thought about what to write for this entry - I kept coming back to the same thought. The moment I discovered that I could make a website.  It seems silly but here I am, a full-time web developer now, so it was a pretty important moment for me!  Usually I tell people that my first web site was Pacey and Andie’s Place but that’s not entirely true.  I’m about to get really honest here (and possibly embarrass myself).  Technically my first site was a little “about me” page that I made through AOL.  I think I was 14 at the time and to me, AOL was the best thing ever (I had like 5 different screen names.. one of them being PaceyzGirL, of course).  I loved signing on, writing long emails, chatting with friends and updating my page constantly.  I have vague memories of a pink page with pictures of Pacey, Buffy & Angel and The Backstreet Boys. (This was probably the peak of my teeny bopper phase!)

Eventually I learned how to design and taught myself HTML.  I made Pacey & Andie’s Place, a fan site dedicated to Brendan Fehr (from Roswell), a personal blog and even designed sites for other people.  It quickly became one of my favorite things to do and I realized this was what I wanted to do with my life.   

Then (circa 1999):

Now: 


I’ve come a LONG way :)

PS.  The last “big” movie Brendan Fehr did was ABC Family’s The Cutting Edge: Fire & Ice.  A movie he was far too old to be in.  

Funfetti: My First Second "Kiss"

One kiss I remember pretty vividly was my first one AFTER my first boyfriend had broken up with me. You know, the first boyfriend that I had crushed on for years and years, finally had a chance with, and he decided we should take a “hiatus”. (I’ve mentioned that before. We’re still on that hiatus and I’m married now and he’ll be getting married in a few months. I don’t have much love for him left, to be honest, but that’s another story. For shits and giggles check out "When I Was a Bad Romance Novel".)

My post-breakup kiss was with a boy who sat at my lunch table all through my freshman year of high school, while I was “secretly” dating the boy who would break my heart in about a trillion pieces.

He was always really nice to me. Teased me a lot. We were on a school trip over a long weekend during the winter with me still listening to mixtapes that reminded me of the first boy when we started talking more and maybe quite possibly I experienced a few stomach flips.

I did not want this to be a rebound type thing.

Before anything happened, I was pretty straight forward about my recent drama and my desire to wait to be in a relationship. (ha! I was so mature for a 14-year old.) Seriously, though, that kiss was inevitable.

I knew it was his first one and that made me even more nervous.

One day, after volleyball practice (he was on the team and I was “managing”), we stopped at the park on the street that fell smack dab in the middle of the houses and he cornered me (sweetly) on a swing until I would kiss him.

And we did and it was wonderful.

I still think about it whenever I’m home and I pass the park.

Then I remember when he broke up with me at a holiday dance eight months after that kiss.

But hey, I’m old now. It’s about time I laughed about that, don’t you think?

Best Part of "Kiss": Jen helping Joey cover up her "new identity" when Anderson shows up at the Ice House. (I really have no interest in Jen and Dawson kissing... ever.)

Red Velvet: Kiss

Oh god, the first kiss.  It’s been almost ten years (I was 18) and somehow, I still remember it clearly. Honestly, there was really nothing major leading up to it.  No big moment on the porch at the end of a date or fireworks but there was something quietly perfect about it anyway.   

My ex-boyfriend and I had known each other for two weeks.  We met on the first day of class and hit it off instantly.  He used to joke about how I barely spoke a word to him  when we met (which is true because I was focused on the programming assignment) but he couldn’t help noticing me and trying to talk to me in spite of it (which I also noticed at the time but ignored).  It had been two weeks and even though we were officially together, he hadn’t kissed me yet.  My experience with boys was pretty much nonexistent so just holding hands and having someone who wanted to be around me all the time was new.  One day I wasn’t feeling too well and decided that I was just going to sulk in bed for the afternoon.  My friend, who lived on the same floor, called my then-boyfriend telling him that he should check up on me.  Which is exactly what he did.  He came over, crawled into bed with me and we started talking.  Then one second he’s looking down at the me and the next, he’s quickly kissing me on the mouth and pulling away before I can react.  This next part still makes me smile - he asked me if this was okay (um, yes?) and I think I even laughed at him (he later admitted to being nervous).  He kissed me again and there was just something so sweet and natural about being with him.  I felt all those butterflies you hope to feel at that age (and now!). I was so in-puppy-love with him.

I kind of miss the innocence of that.  


(FYI: This song was played during Joey's first kiss with Anderson and one of my favorite Buffy/Angel scenes.)